No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Youve been together four months. ForeverYoung Have you tried just not going? In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. I agree with the expenses. muchachaenlaventana ReginaRey Oh yeah I forgot about that. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. I have a friend whose husband is like this. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Thats on you. But come on, man! If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Those conversations should have happened before. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Then you need a different boyfriend. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Is it a deal breaker? Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! which i think is what youre saying. Just because I didnt want to start over again. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? ForeverYoung But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. . . how do we divide furniture? allathian January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. Will.i.am He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Come on, BGM! No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. So make him choose. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. I am actually not promoting anything. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Pay careful attention to his reaction. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Problem January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. All Im saying is be careful. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Thats what next times are for! January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. It sounds codependent to me. You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. I know many families like this. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Yes. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. At least, most of the time. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. right! On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! ele4phant It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. He lived 4.5 hours away. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. I can understand both sides. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. muchachaenlaventana Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. lets_be_honest And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. Yes. I thought the same thing. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Laura Hope Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I hate having family stay over at our house. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. So its not like every.single.weekend. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. I like to relax at home. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. GatorGirl My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. . Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. You accept him as he is or you leave. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. when it comes up we just talk about it. He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? ReginaRey I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. GatorGirl WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. That was what I meant. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org. lets_be_honest Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. CottonTheCuteDog I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. Really? If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Yeah.. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? I dont think that is healthy. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Yeah, but every weekend? And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? As your history with him has shown, he likes spending And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. allathian You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. Just plan something, anything. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. I married an apron-strings boy like that. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Thats a long ass time at home, no? On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. However, my husband isnt like that at all. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. "I ele4phant I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person LW, how about writing back with the details? Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Okay okay. . But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Thats totally a lot. It is not wrong to Want to spend time with loved ones, but as an adult you ought to be fair and accommodating of your partner and potential kids. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. GatorGirl LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. allathian Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. 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